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Sunday, May 08, 2016

For you.


"I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty. I'm not writing this to show you the damage which you have done. I'm not writing this for you. From a purely selfishly motivated place in my heart - I'm writing this simply to tell you that I forgive you, for all of it. In order to finally move on and have the life that I always dreamed of having, I need to leave you in my past. 

You broke me in ways you couldn't even see. You spewed venom right at me, and consequently I've been doing everything in my power to not allow those words to stick and burn me. You disguised yourself as a protector and I trusted you as such. Regardless... I forgive you.

For forcing me out of my comfort zone before I was ready to be pushed, I forgive you. For not listening to my desperate cries for help, I forgive you. For not accepting my true self as "enough", I forgive you. For forcing me to learn how to protect myself from you and therefore anyone else who tried to get close to me, I forgive you. For making me grow up too quickly, I thank you. 

You have made me the person I am today and I fucking adore the person I am today. So thank you for walking away from me when I cried. Thank you for telling me it was my fault whenever I brought up our deteriorating relationship. Thank you for building up my walls for me when I wasn't strong enough to do so myself. Now every time someone tries to tear down those walls - the cement keeping the bricks together seems to get stiffer and tougher. So I do genuinely thank you - you caused me heartache but it is also possible that you have saved me from an equal amount, if not more. 

I love you too much to hate you. And if I cannot hate you, I need to let you go."

Gratitude holds immense power in it.  The act of learning to appreciate something that's not exactly on your list of "TOP TEN THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR" changes you. When you can turn around and instead of bashing the person who hurt you, you thank them for the experiences which they caused you to go through in order to learn survival skills, you take the power back from them. In the instant that you turn around to someone undeserving of respect and you tell them that every word that they threw at you in order to push you down only built you back up, you throw them off. They've no longer achieved their goal and you are the better person in the scenario. 

There’s no better feeling than turning around to people who spent their entire lives making yours miserable and showing them that you got back up and kept fighting. If you had given up, they would have won. But turning around to them and thanking them takes real balls. 

To be fair... They deserve respect... They deserve that gratitude and appreciation... You're bullshitting yourself if you say they had nothing to do with the creation of who you have evolved into. 

x Veevley

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