The last month or so has been a hard one for me. The swing of emotions and battles that has been going on inside my mind has felt never-ceasing. But through this fight, I've been learning tons. I've been growing, being shaped and moulded into both a person who I can look at in the mirror and be proud of as well as the person who I believe God is intending for me to become.
If you know me, anything about me, one of the first things you will probably notice is that I am a perfectionist and a control-freak. "Good" is never enough. I need to have my shit together. I need everything to be in nicely packaged boxes in the corners of my brain with nice little 'ticks' next to them suggesting that everything has been dealt with. I have an incredibly difficult time showing weakness or vulnerability as it makes me feel as though people will see me as a lesser human being. I will be less perfect. I won't be good enough to be in their company anymore. I will no longer be extraordinary. This also means that I feel I will never be good enough for God to love or truly accept me. That's something that I've continually struggled with the majority of my life.
Unfortunately, I have a past. Life hasn't always been easy, and that past seems to catch up with me no matter how far away I run from it and try to create a new identity for myself. Which means that all those little boxes which I've wrapped up and tucked away in the back of my mind sometimes fall over and open up. The storage space gets full and I have nowhere to place the new boxes.
For the last two months, I've been yelling. I've been angry at God. I've been frustrated with myself. I've been dealing with a lot of pain. The pretty little packaging I had placed my problems in came undone. Dealing with depression and two different kinds of anxiety is really difficult at times. Being a control-freak maximises those feelings. I'm incredibly good at handling the unexpected situations life throws my way, but I am terrible at dealing with feelings. When I am not in control of my emotions - I freak out. If it cannot be explained through logic and reason, my mind cannot handle it.
And the worst feeling in the world is when you feel that the only constant in your life has abandoned you (for me, it was God). And for two months I was yelling at him for being far away, even though I was the one who was pushing him away. I didn't want to accept the fact that I needed him because I knew that if I accepted that - it would mean that for once in my life I wouldn't have the control, He would. I struggled with the thought that God would accept me as I was, mistakes and all.
I've had to go through a couple weeks of refinement. God's been dealing with me. The minute that I stopped trying to put on a mask with him, He met me. The minute that I stopped yelling at Him for being far away, and accepted the fact that actually I was building up a wall between us because I wasn't allowing Him to comfort me, He drew me close. The minute I admitted that I was falling apart and didn't need answers from Him, I just needed Him to tell me He still loved me - that's when things started changing for me.
I've come to the understanding that my past does not define me, my future does. And actually - my past is what has shaped me to be the person I am today. Without my past, I would not be prepared for what my future will be bringing. It may seem like quite a simple realisation, but it was actually quite a big one for me. Accepting the fact that I don't need to feel ashamed for my past but use it as a strength was a massive hit for me. It opened my eyes to look at everything in a different light. It allowed me to start praying for the people who have wronged me in a way that would benefit them rather than through selfish motivation. Rather than asking for God to change them, I've started asking God to bless them in the positions they are in in their lives and for God to work through them in whatever way He wants to. It's not my place to judge on this earth, and maybe they are the way they are in order to shape people into their destinies. It doesn't give an excuse, but it sure as hell gives a good reason...
It took me deciding to praise Him in my darkness for Him to show up. I took me allowing Him to walk into the darkest corners of my mind for Him to be able to show me how much He truly accepted me with all of my baggage. He embraced the darkness and allowed me to be completely myself. And that's a pretty damn good feeling when you've never felt like you could be 100% yourself with anyone. And trust me, it was not easy. It defied everything I knew. It hurt.
And it's a continual thing... Something that I'll need to keep reminding myself of. Not allowing the anxiety or depression to win. I am good enough. I am worth it. I am a child of God with a Father who loves me even when I cannot love myself.
That's just some stuff that I've been going through. Not sure why I feel comfortable spilling this stuff onto the internet, but I guess it just gives some sort of outlet. Let me leave you with this. Cause sometimes music describes what I'm going through better than I can.