Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Being Irrelevant.

I've been thinking a lot again this week about more of those deep life matters which everyone wants to run away from. Yup. That's me. If someone could shut my brain off for a moment so I can get to sleep, I'd appreciate it. Anyways, I've been thinking... And for some reason, I find it a good idea to post these thoughts onto the internet.

One of the biggest fears which I have is leaving this life behind and noticing that I was a nobody. That I was irrelevant. That people could read my autobiography and find me uninteresting. Just another person. I fight against this on a constant basis, even when it comes to conversations with some of my closest friends. I need to have deep, meaningful conversations and connections with people so that I don't go unnoticed. I need to feel like I'm making an impact, leaving some sort of mark saying "Viivi was here."

Now this isn't because I want conversation to be about me or attention to be on me. In fact, I am quite happy not saying a word for multiple hours in a conversation only to leave one remark which will cause people to think deeper than just the surface of a topic. I think that's really what it's about - I feel the need to be provoking people to think more. To consider alternatives. To fully process ideas rather than carry half-baked ones around. I feel satisfied when I can have intellectual conversation with my peers about what others would deem as "pointless conversation" because I know that those are the words which people will remember. They may not remember that I said them, but they'll remember the words, and possibly quote them as their own at a later date. 

When we die, are people going to notice our absence? Are we going to have left a mark on the world?

For years, I felt so insignificant, so small, that I thought that if I died nobody would even noticed I was gone (except my Mum, she would have noticed). It was the worst feeling. To feel like you could disappear and you hadn't done anything for anyone else. Sure, there was a list of accomplishments and you had acquaintances who you would help through difficult periods of life, but there were no real, tangible connections. I didn't feel like I was worth... well... anything, really.

But I made a decision to change that. Which is why when I decide to care about someone, I go deep. Relationships and friendships to me are not something to be taken lightheartedly. As someone who isn't a natural at building relationships, I gravitate to people who can answer one question honestly. "Who are you really?"

When I ask that, I often get incredibly strange and confused looks from people. I don't ask it often. I ask it from people who I choose to take an interest in and who I want to leave a mark on. And the best answers come from people who immediately understand what I'm trying to get at. Essentially I am saying "Cut the bullshit. Throw away the lines you tell people to keep yourself in your comfort zone and let's get real. What makes you who you are? What makes you tick? What childhood trauma did you endure in order to get to the place where you are today?"

Yes... Sometimes a little intense for people upon first meeting somebody... Which is probably why I don't do this with many people, only if I could actually see myself growing to truly care about someone. However; it's important. Because we all want to feel seen, REALLY seen, not just looked at or through. We don't want to be thin air. We want to be relevant. Significant. Feel like we actually matter in this world that seems so pointless.

So there... I've now placed my deepest fear online and had a little rant about it. Cool. Breathe. Until next time I feel like venting... Goodbye.

x Veevley

1 comment:

  1. Venting is healthy. I think we have all felt incredibly insignificant at some point.