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Thursday, February 25, 2016

Faith.


I'm sometimes hesitant to make comments about my faith or what I believe on public platforms as it often draws people to make conclusions about me without feeling the need to ask me further questions. It also makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, naked even, as I feel like I'm opening a vault to something at the very core of who I am. It doesn't mean I don't take pride in my faith, I just hate having a label placed on me without people taking the time to actually hear my story...

But over the last month I have been focusing a lot on my identity and where that identity ultimately comes from. I'm realising more and more just how weak I am in my own strength and how admitting that I am empty and actually need God isn't a sign of weakness, rather a sign of humility. Understanding where I come from and therefore where I am going. A constant journey. And I'm realising that journey isn't something that I should feel the need to hide behind closed doors because I'm afraid of people drawing conclusions, but instead I should be authentic and glad to share that with the people in my life. 

Sometimes life can get incredibly hectic and chaotic causing me to become a little bit lethargic with my relationship with God. I have moments where I brush Him off to the side and decide to pay attention to Him when it suits my timetable. I think we all do that, we just have a difficult time admitting to it. However; this is something I'm working on incredibly hard. Ever since November, I've been realising just how important this relationship is to me and how much more energy I should be placing into it. I've been understanding what it truly means for Him to be my Father and how much He just wants to be in fellowship and relationship with me... With all of us as His creations...

Allowing someone else in hurts. It's difficult. For years I have been learning to put up walls and guards to keep myself safe, but subconsciously I ended up doing that even to the people who I considered my closest friends, and even God. God's been working on dragging those walls back down between us, so that he can actually feel like a partner in this with me rather than 'that guy who I yell at and talk to when life really turns to shit.'

I fix things. It's a part of who I am. I like to be the person who solves problems and comes up with new solutions to everyone's issues as well as my own, but I'm realising that I simply cannot do that anymore. I wasn't made to hold my world on my shoulders and try to hold all of the pieces together so tight. I was made to let go. And trusting God is one of the most difficult things I consistently struggle with. Trusting that letting go doesn't mean that I am a fragile or feeble human being, it simply means that I am understanding what is and isn't my responsibility. And understanding that He actually wants to stand there beside me and take the weights off of my shoulders.

And so that's something I'm working on. I'm understanding how small I am in the grand scheme of things and how much I need to let go and let God. (cheeeeeeeese, but true). Easier said than done.

SONG.

Rant over.

x Veevley

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